First published 6/9/2014
Dear Michael Hidalgo,
I loved your post, When Did Christians Get So Mean. Your comments and observations are exactly why I am doing the work that I am called to do. I want to let you know that there is a way for us to stop being mean.
Being mean has become a ‘social norm’. As you note, it isn’t just Christians, who have come to believe this behavior is socially acceptable. We certainly have, “fallen asleep in the insulated comfort of accepted, collective thinking. We live among those who think like us, look like us, talk like us, and we assure ourselves we are right and others are wrong.”[i] I agree with you that as Christians we should know better and listen to the teachings that tell us to act differently. It is time for us to wake up and BE the people Jesus taught us to be!
What if it’s the system not the person?
I have a Systems Thinking education and I loved learning that we assign blame topeople for bad behavior when really the system we operate in that is faulty. In our current system we believe that we must be; over others, above others, or in competition with others, to have power. Our system has been hierarchical and in that type of system only those at the top have power and have the authority to “know truth”. We might choose mean behavior in an attempt to move ourselves up the hierarchical ladder.
Since we are not normally conscious that we are acting based on the system around us you might not be sure that you agree with my thinking. I don’t think it matters. Just allow that it might be true that the system is at fault and that is why people act mean. Then you can be open to the possibility that we can co-create a different system where being mean isn’t the norm. I am sure that it is possible because I have experienced it.
In my work I teach a congregation, group, or organization how to use an intentional process of communication to design together a new system. It is possible for one individual to make a choice to act differently and create change, but it is much more powerful for people to create new ways to talk, think and act together when they do it in community.
How do we socially construct this new system?
Believe something different is possible: Accept that how we talk, think and act together right now is not how we have to be. Allow it to be possible that people are not naturally mean.
Do it together: Host conversations in your congregation about how to interact in person and on-line as Christians. Play with it! I have a free resource on my website called Context Implementation Exercise which you can use as a guide to begin the conversation. The base system of beliefs, thinking and patterns is the “context” of our interactions. The exercise works to make us aware of how we have sleep-walked into accepting these without question. With this exercise your faith community can co-create a context that is a system of support for Christian behavior.
It can be simpler than you imagine. Just open the door to the conversation about how we talk to each other. You can say that it is a way to practice Christian conversation. Sometimes as Christians we believe we are not supposed to comment at all, but we are in a time of great need and being silent should not be an option. Being mean and competitive about who is right or wrong closes the door to open, learning conversations.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you write, “For those of us who are passionate about the God’s truth, it may do us well to ask: “Are we more concerned about the truth being known or about us being right?” I say this because if we are committed to what’s true, there is a good chance our attitude and approach will change. We will experience the move from being mean to being kind.” That might be the biggest shift we can make in our system; moving away from the thinking that our individuality is more important than all of God’s creation. We are taught that we are of “one body”[ii] and we can be open to seeing what is possible when we act in that way.
“Real courage is full of grace.”
It does take courage to be willing to question our actions and be in open conversation with others. But together we can have the courage to operate in new ways by creating a system that supports different behavior. “It is gentle and kind and constructive and honors others. Perhaps this kind of courage should be the very thing that emboldens us to speak, far more than a computer keyboard ever could.”
As Christians we can not only stop being mean, but we can be an example to the world. Let’s question the system that we operate with, choose to co-create a new one, and begin to talk to each other in ways “full of grace”. I long for it and believe that all of us do.
Thanks Michael for your great post and the opportunity to be in this conversation with you.
[i] Read the post by Michael Hidalgo athttp://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/when-did-christians-get-so-mean#QFDZVuXrXw50q0mE.99