This is my Easter story. My dying and rising again story. This is the story that came into my mind to be remembered today.

At the age of 30 I experienced a life changing transformation. For about the 10 years before had been away from God. Off on my own believing that I could only depend on myself. Thinking that I could keep it all under control. I had such a tight lid on my actions that no one had any idea I had gotten so depressed that I just wanted to be dead.

In desperation I realized that if I was willing to die, then perhaps trying something new was a good idea. What could it do- kill me? I ended up finding this prayer written by Catherine Marshall called, Give Me a Dream.

God, Once-it seems long ago now-I had such big dreams, so much anticipation of the future. Now no shimmering horizon beckons me; my days are lackluster. I see so little of lasting value in the daily round. Where is Your plan for my life, God?

You have told us that without vision, we people perish. So God in heaven, knowing that I can ask in confidence for what is Your expressed will to give to me, I ask You to deposit in my mind and heart the particular dream, the special vision You have for my life.

And along with the dream, will You give me whatever graces, patience and stamina it takes to see the dream through to fruition? I see that this may involve adventures I have not bargained for. But I want to trust You enough to follow even if You lead along new paths. I admit to liking some of my ruts. But I know that habit patterns that seem like cozy nests from the inside, from Your vantage point may be prison cells. Lord, if You have to break down any prisons of mine before I can see the stars and catch the vision, then Lord, begin the process now. In joyous expectation, Amen.

In my life I had shut a door to the energy of God. I had cut it off. And I was empty, drained, and in true despair. I was only willing to open the door a crack as I said this prayer, and – whoosh -everything in my life was tossed in the air! It felt like I was ripped out of a decent story book that I understood, and was pasted into a book with blank, white, empty, pages. Terrifying.

As I was experiencing this spiritual journey, I had a dream. I was been very upset about how much was changing in my life. I couldn’t understand why it had to happen. Why I had to lose so much. Why my life had been totally disrupted. In my dream I was outside of a building that was covered in scaffolding with people working on the outside walls.  In the dream I was standing outside with the contractor. He was explaining to me that they only intended to remodel the inside of the building. They had been working on it a long time but had gotten to the point when they couldn’t improve anything else on the inside because the outside wouldn’t support it. That they had to stop work on the inside and change to working on the outside.  

I was upset by the dream. Was the dream telling me that I wasn’t able to support the change that was needed? But then I realized the message of this dream. I had done all of the internal changes in myself and work was at a standstill. That the outside things in my life needed to change so that I could continue along my path of growth, which is what I had asked God for in my prayer.

I think this is why I was reminded of this story from my past today, Easter 2020. When a great transformation for our world seems to be before us. What if -we as humans have been growing, developing, along the spiritual path? What if – we are at a point where the outside not longer works, and it’s become a ‘prison cell’. What if – it’s time for us to ‘break out.’ What if – while what we are going to experience will ‘kill us’ in ways literal and symbolic, it will also set us free to build a new life?

Easter is about transformation.

Maybe we just are being too restricted by the shell we are in. Maybe there are enough people who are ready for a spiritual growth-spurt. Seems like we ARE about to be pasted into a new book with blank, white, empty, pages. Terrifying. So maybe we are about to have the freedom to write a new story.

I only know that this is the pattern of my own spiritual journey with God. Remembering this story has brought me peace today. The possibility that there might be a transformation ahead for our world because we are ready to grow. I remember that my transformations have included upheaval, loss, sadness, and heartbreak. But then they brought me deep, wonderful, profound growth. A life richer with relationships, authenticity, meaning and openheartedness.

Are we about to break out?

I decided to go hang out and work at Starbucks a few days ago. Carrying my very un-cool laptop bag. As I was ordering my coffee and getting a table I was feeling humiliated. My computer bag is so ugly -because it’s old. Tech things get old quickly. I like being cool. That computer bag made me feel un-cool. I instantly decided that this was the last straw. I have to have a new laptop bag. I deserve it. I am cool. This bag doesn’t convey who I am.

Then I remembered. One of the main things I am committed to is to unplug from the societal belief that we need to buy more, and in turn, waste more. I want to live a life where I am happy with enough.

The reason I have this uncool laptop bag is because I chose to get a used one and not buy a new one. I knew that there were probably 100’s of unused computer bags sitting around in closets. So I asked on social media if someone had a computer bag to give me. And a lovely friend gave me this one. There is no reason to generate the production of additional laptop bags. This was one place where I could live my values.

And with a single walk into a Starbucks I almost gave up my values.

I have decided that humiliation is a choice. Being humble does not require being humiliated. Living my value of enough is humbling.

So! Clearly I am not buying a new-very-trendy laptop bag to convey my coolness. My ugly bag has nothing to do with how amazing I am. How up-to-date. How cool. Let’s rock the un-cool! Let’s just be happy with enough.

The center of WHAT we do, is WHY we do it.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. Marianne Williamson

Years ago as I was pondering world peace I knew that we would never have world peace when we cannot have peace and acceptance with our neighbors, or even with those we say we love. As I studied systems thinking I found that it tells us that change from the bottom up; not outside in, but inside out.

Why am I writing this? Because once I believed that world change couldn’t happen until I changed I made the commitment to God to boldly make the changes in myself that the world needed. At one point I thought I was almost there and asked God to take me to 100% of who I came here to be. Of course, the joke was on me because I was probably at 65% instead of the 95% I thought I was at.

We all have an unimaginable power to change; to act differently, to try new things, to be different with others. I have the personal experiences to verify that belief. It’s time for the world to change, and you are the one that gets to help make this a change towards love, joy, peace and acceptance. We are the ones we have been waiting for. We have the power to change the world to a better place. We have the authority, and the responsibility. There isn’t a more important time than right now to step up and become the powerful being that we are meant to be.

I started to discover this for myself as I saw how my actions can change what is happening around me. As I slowly started to take on my authority and responsibility more than just my own life began to change.

I believe that all of the hard and painful things we are going through right now is our wake up call. Our call to action. Our call into BE-ing the BE-ings that we are meant to BE. It’s an exciting time in the midst of the fear, pain, grief and loss. Because right now God is calling us to be transformed. To participate in the transformation of our planet.

I love the work of Phyllis Tickle. She calls this age; the Age of the Spirit.[i] An age when the changes we will experience will be greater than the changes that happened 2000 years ago. Individuals are having profound personal spiritual experiences as they receive the Holy Spirit. She talks about how each age has to define the meaning of their experiences. That the authority to define meaning in the past came from “the top”; our authorized religious leaders, government, the expert at the top of the hierarchy. Today, as the Holy Spirit comes into us, the authority and responsibility move to each of us- to me, -to you.

I yearn for all of us to express the unique ways that we are “powerful beyond measure”. In this book are practical ways to co-create a small group, team or community where we invite each other to be powerful. They work. Using systems thinking I provide the tools and practices that will change HOW you are working with each other and they will change WHAT is happening.

The response the world needs right now is YOU. You being the person you long to be. With this work you can create the support team around you to make that possible. How will our communities be transformed if they can be places where we welcome our differences? Where we can listen and learn from one another? Where we utilize the unique wisdom and brilliance of our diversity? Where we can collaborate and cooperate with each other to participate with God and create a new world.

That is the world that I want and I want to co-create it with you. It’s all about love.

[i] Tickle, Phyllis. (2014) The Age of the Spirit; How the Ghost of an Ancient Controversy is Shaping the Church. Baker Publishing Group. Grand Rapids MI.

 

For us to ‘socially construct’ our new system we begin by understanding the thinking, patterns, and beliefs that are the core drivers of the current system. The following are the thinking, patterns and beliefs that are part of top-down, hierarchical systems. As you do your work, use the following examples to help you identify the thinking, patterns and beliefs that exist in your current cultural system.

Our social norms, and the assumptions we make about how we should interact with each other, and act are based on the thinking, patterns and beliefs of our system. Becoming conscious of how our current thinking, patterns and beliefs are “hierarchical” is the first step to begin the process of co-creating a new context that will help us work together in new ways. At the end of the piece I offer an exercise that will help you reflect on how these might be true for you, or not.

Our past; thinking, patterns, beliefs are holding us back from our future. They are what ‘gets in the way’ of operating in new ways.

Hierarchical thinking:

Expert Model: In the hierarchical model we thought that only a few people earned the right to be at the top. They were at the top because we thought they were the experts. They had the education, the personality, the experience, the gender, the color, to make us believe they were more worthy than us to be the leaders. Many of us abdicated our personal responsibility to them and then blamed them when things didn’t work.

Competition: To get to ’the top’ required being competitive and required that we be ‘over’ others. We anticipated that others would be competitive with us and thought that to succeed we needed to be competitive with them. This tension kept us hyper-aware and we would switch between defensive to offensive thinking and actions.

Mechanistic: In a hierarchy things are very linear. We thought that we could fix problems with mechanistic thinking. We saw the world as a machine and simply used a simplified cause-and-effect model to determine where the ‘problem’ was. With this model the expert at the top could, by themselves, find a way to fix the problem.

Hierarchical patterns:

Top Down: In a hierarchy all communication flows down from the top. A pattern of limited communication worked because communication was not vital to the organizations success. The expert at the top needed information but the rest of us followers did not.

Discussion not Dialogue: Most of our conversations were discussion not dialogue. Discussion is about making a decision and seeks closure and completion. Dialogue is about exploring the nature of choice and evoking insight.[i]  In a discussion we worked to score points and saw a conversation as a competition to ‘get our voice heard’, ‘prove the other wrong’ and find the ‘right answer’. We thought the purpose of a conversation was to convince others of our thinking and demonstrate our ability to be the expert.

Questions are Threats: In a hierarchical system asking a question is a threat. The pattern is to not ask questions. Asking a question of the leader or about a decision would clearly be challenging their authority. Asking a question of someone at an equal level would often be used as a way to combat an opinion, or fact.

Hierarchical beliefs:

Perfectionism: Because we had to appear to be the expert we could not allow failure or imperfection. Any imperfection would move us down the hierarchical ladder. Vulnerability and authenticity would be seen as weakness.

Individualism: In the hierarchical world being independent was a goal as we worked to become the expert. Our need to be perfect and competitive has led us to being isolated. A highly independent person was revered and more likely to be seen as a leader.

Power Over: We believed that having control over others was valuable and that belief led us to define power as being in control of others. The only individual who is thought to have power is one who is able to control the behaviors of others.

Reflective Exercise:

These reflective questions are a way to realize in what ways we have used the context of hierarchical thinking, patterns and beliefs. They will help you uncover old or existing context in yourself or in your organization.

Use these with a group or just yourself. Use all of the questions or only some, write others that fit your situation or group. Be your own expert, be flexible and use your wisdom.

The biggest question is if you decide that you don’t want to use hierarchical thinking, patterns and belief what context would you like to use? I hope you are willing to write some statements about the context that you want to work from! I know that it will help you to make the changes that you desire. You can get my free complete Context Implementation Exercise here.

Thinking reflective:

Expert:

• In organizations the expert might hold a job title or be assigned the role by the group. Think of an organization that you were involved with and one or two of people who were the experts. Have you ever had the experience of realizing that you were as qualified, intelligent, or capable as they were? Or when you wanted to contribute your knowledge or wisdom and were discounted or ignored because you were not seen as the expert.
• Can you think of an example when you abdicated responsibility to the group expert? Have you ever waited for someone at the top to solve a problem?
• Is there an example of when you discounted your own knowledge, insight, or intuition because someone else held the title of leader or boss?

 Competition:

• Think of an example of when you remained silent because you knew that someone would jump to tell you that you were wrong?
• Does society tell us that we have to be competitive to survive? How do we think that leaders have to use competition to get to the top? In what ways does this thinking make sense to you? What does it look like to question these assumptions?

Mechanistic:

• Our mechanistic history makes us believe that there are simple answers. Think of an example when something was ‘fixed’ but over time it became clear that there were unintended consequences and the problem was either worse, or different.
• Can you think of an example when a boss or leader fixed a problem but if they had asked your advice you could have given a better solution?
• It is mechanistic thinking to believe a certain person is ‘the problem’ and yet when that person is replaced the same issues seem to continue. Have you seen this happen?

Patterns reflective:

Top Down:

• Think of an organization that you have been involved with. How was information held only by those at the top? When decisions were being made who was involved in the conversation? How did it feel to be included or excluded in those conversations?
• Do you have an experience where conversations were held and all or most people were included? How did that feel and was the outcomes different?

Discussion not Dialogue:

• Sometimes it is appropriate to have a discussion when a decision must be made but many times we need a dialogue first so that we have access to everyone’s creative wisdom. Think of an example of a group conversation you participated in. In what ways was it a discussion, and in what ways a dialogue? What would have made it a dialogue to you?  What might have been different?

Beliefs reflective:

Perfectionism:

• Think about a time when your choices or actions were based on perfectionist beliefs. How did that feel? Did you feel that you had to hide anything? Did it require keeping secrets?
• Think of an example of when you allowed yourself to be vulnerable or authentic and how that created a different experience.

Individualism:

• In what ways does society tell us we have to ‘do it ourselves’.
• How have we been affirmed as good when we were ‘ruggedly independent’?
• Are there ways that we diminish or put down others when they seem inter-dependent?

Power Over:

• All of us have examples of when we have controlled others. Can you reflect on that experience and then feel again how it felt. It would be normal to have felt victorious but were there also any other feelings that might have gone unnoticed at the time, or feelings that come up now as you think about that experience?
• Can you find an example of when you shared power or used power with others? Remember the experience and feel again how it felt.
• How were these two experiences different? When you remember the experience how does it make you feel now.

The great news about context is that we socially construct it. We can be intentional and through conversational processes any group or organization can change the context! Be willing to believe that big changes are possible and do the work to get there.

“The context that restores community is one of possibility, generosity, and gifts, rather than one of problem solving, fear, and retribution. A new context acknowledges that we have all the capacity, expertise, and resources that an alternative future requires. Communities are human systems given form by conversations that build relatedness.” [ii] (Block, p. 29)

[i] Isaacs, W. (1999). Dialogue and the Art of Thinking Together. Random House, New York, NY.

[ii] Block, P., (2008). Community, The Structure of Belonging. Berrett-Koehler. San Francisco CA.

Perhaps one of the reasons that we have a hard time creating authentic community is because we don’t have a good idea of what it looks like? Right now we call any group of people who get along with each other, a community. Most of the time there is nothing ‘authentic’ about that group being a community.

A few years ago I was a part of a small design team that came together to experiment with creating authentic community. Our motivation was to combine my conceptualized Living Communication System, with the work of Peter Block from his book, Community: The Structure of Belonging.

As a design team, we were very committed, and spent an amazing amount of time together. At one point we were talking about what to call our group and as we each shared about our experience, we realized that the majority of us had referenced themes of galaxy, stars and constellations. In our experience of the process we caught the vision that what we were doing was—constellating ourselves.

Alastair McIntosh explains beautifully how deep a word constellate is in his book, Soil and Soul:

“Constellate, now that’s another cracker of a word for the toolkit. Con as in congregate, and stella as in star: ‘to group meaningfully together’, like a pattern of stars. The Celtic bards understood that ‘conscientisation’- the deepening of both consciousness and conscience together – is a spiritual process. It constellates the energies of a specific passion: something that W.B. Yeats called ‘fire in the head’. The fire in the head is an inner fire …. It’s a fire that wakes you up at night and penetrates your darkest spaces, burns off the psychological crap, freeing energy and inspiration to attempt the otherwise unthinkable.”  (McIntosh p. 124)

In the experience of building community from this core team, we discovered that as we spun energy and intention into the center of our group process, the more energy and transformation was spun outward, through us, into the world. It was magical.

Why is constellation the perfect word for powerful community?

Unique Stars

As we move through this time of change, what we really need is for every individual to be fully authentic and unique. In a constellation, stars are separate and for the pattern to be the most visible, each must shine as brightly as it was created to. There is no pattern of the whole when individual lights are “hidden under a bushel” or think that shining their unique self isn’t being humble.

As my design team progressed in our work together we experienced something unexpected. Each of us began to find that we were expanding into our work outside of the group. We were finding and expressing our personal authority, which we called our sovereignty. We discovered that when we were invited to be fully authentic within the group, it helped us be more fully authentic outside of the group. This is what true power is; being able to BE all that we came here to BE!

Celestial Sphere

A constellation is a celestial orb; it is three dimensional. The model that I use for a healthy, authentic organizational structure is a sphere. When everyone is constellated in a sphere all people are at the same level, there are no power differences, no social justice issues, and there is no marginalization. Each of us in the design team felt that we had experienced being marginalized in our past, and the belonging that we felt in the group made us feel whole, welcomed and safe, which was healing.

One of the objectives of the design team was that each of us had equal responsibility for how the group operated. We were co-facilitators. When something was happening that wasn’t in alignment with our personal understanding of our group context we were expected to bring it up to be talked about. If one person acted inappropriately to another member we were all equally responsible to say something. If the group got off track each of us was responsible to pull us back. One of us might be the official leader for a meeting but all of us were equally responsible to be a facilitator. For us this took quite a bit of practicing. Normally groups have a named “leader” and all others abdicate their responsibility for the group outcomes. In our design team we were ALL responsible.

This included times when it seemed that two specific people were having a problem. The truth is that in group dynamics two people often become the spokespeople for something that is happening to the whole. Once a group member feels that one person is speaking for them they step back and let that person carry the issue. We had a number of times when we had to bring the issues between two people out with the whole group so that we could claim it for the whole.

Dynamic Tension

Maybe this term makes you nervous, because in our current world, we often attempt to avoid any form of tension. In my design team experience it was really hard for me to stay and not walk-away when there was dynamic tension. My brilliant co-participant called me out at one point by reminding me that in my work I had claimed that commitment was imperative. I stayed and experienced something very powerful. I learned how much I could still love and respect the person that I had the dynamic tension with. There is a difference between having a relationship and being in-relationship. In a constellation we commit to being in-relationship which means that we don’t have to be best friends, but we respect and value each other for our differences.

Think of a heavenly constellation; there is a gravitational pull between planets/stars and at the same time there is an equal pushing away. It is the tension between the two energies that maintains the pattern! There is a beautiful and perfect balance.

Another group had been using my work for about a year and were enjoying the results. They asked what would make us go deeper and I said that once we experienced dynamic tension that our connections would strengthen. It happened, the group had a conflict and we used a reflective process to talk through it. We had a tense conversation! At the end one young woman bubbled with joy saying, “This is why I love this group! It’s like we are participating in creating peace”!

Dynamic tension is a wonderful peace-maker. Once we navigate tension with a group and find that we can trust the process, we are strengthened in our ability to be authentic and trust each other.

Magic in the Middle

What pulls a constellated community in to the center? What makes up its gravitational pull? Its why; the reason it exists; its purpose and possibility. A community that is not clear why it’s together will let itself spin apart. This isn’t just a mission statement. The why can’t be that you want to be a church to deepen your relationship with God. What is possible when you are in a connected community with each other? What more is possible when you do the work to create your authentic community? The WHY is a clear idea of what is more important than each individual. My, The WHY. Purpose and Possibility, can be found here.

I am yearning for constellated community

Do you see that an authentic community would be a constellation? I want to feel safely held by a pulling in and a pushing way by a community where I know I belong. I yearn to experience a, “‘fire in the head’, a fire that wakes me up at night and penetrates my darkest spaces”, a fire that helps me find the type of energy that I can use to participate in changing the world.

I like to believe that this is what we are all yearning for. With intention and commitment we can learn to use new processes that constellate our communities; bringing us into alignment with the way that God created our world. May we each shine as brightly as we were created to shine; together in authentic community that is more powerful than we have ever experienced before.

 

My original version of this piece was published on AfterChurch.com on 2/18/15. To read on that site: http://after.church/new-church-a-constellation-not-a-melting-pot/

Originally published 9/15/2014

How the world is conspiring to shower you with blessings. Bob Brezney

Do you know how it is when you have a sudden realization about something that is obvious? Something that you would have claimed that you ‘knew already’, until you realize that you didn’t?

I was reading Jesus, A New Vision. The 6^thchapter is called, Jesus as Sage: Challenge to Conventional Wisdom. Author Marcus Borg talks about how we perceive reality. He writes that one of the things Jesus came for was to challenge what conventional wisdom tells us about reality. “Jesus saw reality very differently from both us and most of his contemporaries. In common with them and with most people in the premodern world, he saw reality as ultimately Spirit (and not ultimately material), that is, that the ‘final word’ about reality was God. … The claim that God is gracious lies at the heart of the Old Testament. It flowed out of the charismatic stream of Jesus’ own tradition: “God is in love with his people”. It is at the heart of the exodus and exile stories.” (p. 100-102)Borg contends that conventional wisdom tells us that reality is hostile, indifferent and that self preservation is the first law of our being.  “We must protect ourselves against reality and make ourselves secure in the face of its threats, whether we choose secular or religious means of doing so.” (p. 103). This is what caught my attention, “But if we see reality as supportive and nourishing, then another response to life becomes possible: trust. To say that God is gracious means that the relationship with God is not dependent upon performance as measured by the standard of conventional wisdom.” (p. 103).

While reading I had an ah-ha moment of clarity and it left me wondering how I could use this new clarity to improve my life? I am thinking of so many examples of how I bought the conventional wisdom version of reality. I have talked about how; this is ‘life school’ and that we are here to learn lessons the hard way, that there is a separation from my life and God, that heaven or whatever comes next is different than here and that hard things have to happen to me as some sort of test.

Jesus challenged us to believe in the reality that; everything is of God and God is love; gracious and compassionate.  

I would have said that I believed in the truth of that statement. I would also have said that everything is ‘of God’. But I would not have said that my reality is that the world around me is full of love, grace and compassion. When I look at how I have lived my life it is clear I was operating with the ‘conventional wisdom’ form of reality. Ouch! I can’t deny that this is true. I have operated with so much fear and mistrust.

I have been focusing recently on finding joy, feeling gratitude, enjoying what comes no matter what. I am sure that some of you can say that it is easy for you to do, but not me. What if I could live in the reality where everything is of God and everything around me yearns to express itself as love, grace and compassion?  I am ready for a daily practice to help me intentionally challenge my accepted context of reality. In the past I made gratitude lists as a way to feel more joy. I think I will use the same concept of a daily practice to see how life, people, the world; is expressing an expansive yearning to be love, grace and compassion. I know that I have a deep yearning to live and have a life that comes from that. I have a deep yearning for your life to be like that too. I hope you do too. Why not come to my FaceBook page and we can do this daily practice together? We can remind each other about what is REAL!

Here are a few reflective questions to get us going.

• How has someone else been love, grace and compassion today?
• How have I been love grace and compassion today?
• What event in the world shows how it is really is a place of love, grace and compassion today?
• In what way did the universe shower me with blessings today?

Affirmation:

• I see the world as love, grace and compassion today.

Borg, Marcus. (1987) Jesus: A New Vision. HarperOne. San Francisco, CA.

Another of my blog posts about how I can make life a hostile place. Hell in the hallway

If you are interested in irreverence and bold creativity you might enjoy this book by Bob Brezney. Pronoia Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings

Originally published 8/4/2014

I choose to no longer believe the common saying- “Actions speak louder than words.” For my entire life I have believed that actions tell us more than words, or intention. But in my journey to deep and authentic community I find that am being led astray when I listen to actions over intentions. When I believe the actions are more true than what someone tells me then I feel justified in being critical and judgmental.

I spent 10 years in Al-anon. In that program I learned that the actions of the addict are the “addiction” and not the person. If I only judged the actions I would continue to condemn the addict and treat them with distain. When I was able to see that their intentions were good but their ability to ‘act’ in alignment with those intentions was currently beyond them, then I could be detached from their painful actions and allow them some freedom. But I was set free too; to love the person I knew was there and be in a place where I could offer grace and compassion. I could still see their actions as wrong and control my interactions with them. In fact sometimes that meant I wasn’t around them much. My life changed when I finally was able to believe their words more than their actions, and I experienced the serenity that is a promise of 12 step programs.

Here is another example, I was part of a very committed small group and one participant was a woman who was a real challenge for me. She and I frequently found ourselves in “dynamic tension”. That means that I would feel pushed and try to point out to her how she was being pushy, or I would just push back. This group used the intentional community building practices that I teach so we had a lot of opportunities to get to know each other deeply. I came to believe in the sincerity of her intentions. I came to know her life story that had taught her that she had to attack for her own security. Finally I trusted that her intention was to listen, to be open and to be in a loving place with me. Her actions to verbally attack were from years of training in her ‘family of origin’. I got to know her well enough to trust her intentions. That does not mean her actions were acceptable, but because I decided to trust her intention and not her actions I could extend grace and compassion towards her. I could love her and set the limits I needed to while staying in-relationship with her.

I am finding that my life is very different when I trust intention over actions. As I learned from my time in 12 step work I can set boundaries on the actions and how I responded to them. The main difference for me is that when I know a person well enough to trust their intentions then I can invest time into our relationship and I can stay in-relationship even when I am limiting my interactions with them. I don’t have to condemn them for their actions and I don’t Walk Away. With respect I can support them in their efforts to have their actions match their intentions. I know that the challenging time and effort I take to be honest with them and share with them how their actions are affecting me is in both of our best interest.

The great part is that when I do this for others I can anticipate that they will do it for me too. I get to be less-than-perfect and make mistakes. I can trust that when my actions don’t match my words that my community will point it out to me with compassion and grace and not push me away. I know that when I don’t feel threatened I can let down my wall of ego to make changes in my actions.

Even as I write this I can feel the freedom it gives me, the serenity. I get to care about people and can assume they will care about me. I don’t have to take others actions personally and can be vulnerable. I don’t have to be so judgmental. I am set free to live in a community of love and grace.

If your intention is to give love, compassion and grace then this is how you can make sure that your actions match your intentions! Invest the time to listen, ask questions, and be in-relationship with others. Be willing to see if it is possible to trust their intentions more than their actions. When you can do that then, you will be free, and they will be free, and you will experience a new way to be in community. Authentic community that is inclusive, inter-connected, real and powerful; where we will all be free to BE who we came here to be.

This is the new saying that I am going to use, “Trust intentions more than actions.”

Originally published 7/24/2014

I am a person who hates the process of change, that inevitable stage where there is chaos and mess- the time we spend “in the hallway”. I am a systems person and I love to organize the flow for projects, I actually like accounting and reconcile my accounts each month, I am the person who gets grumpy when the clippers aren’t placed back where they belong. How is it that I am the one called to not only support transformation and change, but has a desire to create it?

I have experienced many transformations in my life and know how I have experienced each time of chaos and messiness. I loved the saying; “When one door closes, another door opens, but it’s hell in the hallway.” I used to think it was a Helen Keller quote, but I don’t find any attribution to anyone, so I guess it’s just a saying. I loved the saying because my experience of the hallway was HELL, I suffered, I grieved, I liked to share the saying so that others knew my pain.

At the same time, I love change and have done; therapy, spiritual work and been in 12 step programs, all to help me be able to transform. In my business management career I wanted to be involved in organizational change projects because it was all about new and different instead of remaining the same.

Our callings are often paved by personal experience. I spent my 20’s petrified of change, controlling anything that was “messy”, avoiding any extremes of emotion, I didn’t expose myself to anything that would shift my status quo. No change, no transformation, all in the name of being “safe”. It almost killed me physically and I was certainly dead spiritually. Everything frightened me. I became such a basket case that my menstrual periods stopped. It became a life not worth living.

In my hopelessness I snuck to church and came across a prayer in by Catherine Marshall, in which she prays to God, “You have told us that without vision, we (people) perish.”… “I see that this may involve adventures I have not bargained for. But I know that habit patterns that seem like cozy nests from the inside, from Your vantage point may be prison cells.” That small prayer was a clear invitation for change in my life. The resulting change was profound and shifted me into being a new person. That hallway experience was exhilarating because I felt so bathed in glory, my heart sung Amazing Grace. Every door that opened was exciting. I came to know how blessed we can be when we let go of control and allow transformation.

With that experience I fell in love with change.

I have had many other experiences of transformation since and although I had that one amazing experience it did not mean that I suddenly found it pleasant. I was willing to have it happen but I could still hate it. I tell everyone that any chaos is worth experiencing to get to the other side. I believe that my life is a miracle and I know what is possible when I let myself walk down the hall and move through it! But I still hate it, and complain about it, and get emotional, and feel deep grief and MAKE the hallway into HELL.

Unfortunately I only recently discovered that I was the one making it into hell. I admit that I am an emotional person. (This will be considered an understatement by those who know me.) I don’t have to change that about myself. I guess maybe this post is about how to be an emotional person with good boundaries? The trick that I have found is that I don’t have to experience the chaos of change as “hell”. I can feel everything and let it go. I can keep my focus on being through the other doorway. I can still experience joy, and love, and play, and faith.

There is a reason I am writing this right now in my life. I am trying to remind myself how much I believe it. For me the last 4 years has been the longest hallway. Door after door closed and because I knew this was being “spirit led” I expected the other doors to fly open. But they haven’t. And I am learning to not make this hallway hell. It’s embarrassing to say that I am still learning when it is something I am called to teach. I have had to teach myself over and over and I hope that now I “have it”. While I am still waiting for the doors to open; I feel joy, I am content. I feel lots of things, loneliness, sorrow, boredom, over-challenged, and faith.

Faith because I KNOW that once I go through the door that is finally opened for me I will find more than I would have designed for myself. Every time I am willing to let go and walk in that hallway no matter how long it is, it is worth it and I am blessed.

Being in hell is a choice not a truth. Let’s make this the saying, “When one door closes another opens and the wait in the hallway is worth it.” May you experience the miracle of change and find the hallway worthwhile.

Father,

Once-it seems long ago now-I had such big dreams, so much anticipation of the future. Now no shimmering horizon beckons me; my days are lackluster. I see so little of lasting value in the daily round. Where is Your plan for my life, Father?

You have told us that without vision, we men perish. So Father in heaven, knowing that I can ask in confidence for what is Your expressed will give to me, I ask You to deposit in my mind and heart  the particular dream, the special vision You have for my life.

And along with the dream, will You give me whatever graces, patience and stamina it takes to see the dream through to fruition? I see that this may involve adventures I have not bargained for. But I want to trust You enough to follow even if You lead along new paths. I admit to liking some of my ruts. But I know that habit patterns that seem like cozy nests from the inside, from Your vantage point may be prison cells. Lord, if You have to break down any prisons of mine before I can see the stars and catch the vision, then Lord, begin the process now. In joyous expectation,

Amen

My Note:

Because Catherine was a woman born in 1914 I can ignore the references to “him, and Father” to me this isn’t relevant. Translate it yourself and know that if she was born in our time it would no doubt read differently.

Originally published 7/16/2014

Are you holding on to an old definition of community?

What is your definition of community, what does it look like to you? Do you believe that it looks like neighbors who live next to you for 30 years? Does it include grandma and aunts and uncles who you get to spend a lot of time with? Does it mean that you go to church with people you feel totally comfortable with? Is your community of people those who live near you? Is it made up of people who you consider friends and those who share values and beliefs? Is it only defined by those who have the identical passions and activities? Does it mean that you don’t get mad, disagree or share when you are hurt?

What if we are all defining community in ways that are out-of-date and too small? It’s clear to me that change doesn’t happen until we can imagine it. Perhaps the first step to healing our communities and our world is to start to use a new definition of community and then believe it is possible.

How will we ever experience community as it used to be defined when no one lives on the same street, in the same town, or even in the same state as most of their relatives? We are not going to stay in the same home with the same neighbors for 10 years much less 30 anymore. How can we have community when our faith communities fall apart over disagreements? How can we have community ever again when our country is now multi-religious and multi-ethnic and finding our “tribe” with the exact same beliefs and values looks impossible? Is one reason that we are lacking in community partially because we expect it to be “like it used to”.

New community is coming

The definition of community from our past is done, out-of-date. It’s time for a new experience of community. We are on the brink of defining and then creatingcommunity in a way that we have not imagined before.

There isn’t a name for this type of community yet. I can’t find any words big enough, or that leave enough room so that we don’t limit it by naming it. Peter Block talks about Transforming Community in his book, Community, The Structure of Belonging. “The key to creating or transforming community, then, is to see the power in the small but important elements of being with others.” [i](p.10) M. Scott Peck called it, True Community; where we enter a place of complete empathy with one another.

If we were willing to imagine community in a way that was new and bigger, what would it be like? If community could be; true-authentic-Christian-faithbased-centered-real-deep-transforming-meaningful; is it possible that it could be like this?

• Being in the same physical location with others will no longer matter.
• You will feel deep belonging and connection with a group of diverse people who aren’t “the same” as you are.
• You will experience warm, fuzzy feelings for someone who annoys the hell out of you and has opinions that you don’t agree with.
• When you need help you can think of 5 different people to call and you are willing to ask for it.
• In this community no one is marginalized; the elderly or young, rich or poor, white or black, Hispanic or Thai, the loud or shy, the bike rider or the Humvee driver, silly or the serious, the vegan or the carnivore.
• We will know that we can BE authentic and unique and not have others try to change us.
• We can make mistakes and be vulnerable without fear.
• Conversation and communication will be honored and integral to how we operate together.
• Others will encourage us to speak our truth so that they can listen.
• Our diversity and differences will be the fuel we use to co-create solutions to issues that in the past were unsolvable.
• We will feel supported by the connections we have with others in our community.
• Power will be defined by it’s true meaning and have nothing to do with control.
• In conversations we won’t have to agree but will offer diverse ideas.
• Community will no longer be defined by those who are “like us”. In new community our ‘people’ will be of diverse faith, ideas, theology, race, culture ……
• We will feel safe and act with courage.
• We will view all as sacred.

Does this seem like a dream that is too big? In our current experience this definition of community might seem highly unlikely. Some of us have experienced little pieces of this as possible and others can’t imagine it at all. But if no one commits to creating this definition of community then how will we stop wars, how will we heal those who head to our schools and malls to shoot people, how will we create social justice, how will we find a way to stop injuring our environment? And how will each of us become the full creations that we came here to be?

Don’t begin by thinking that we have to make this happen everywhere at once. Start with a commitment to create this new community in your home. Start with a commitment to find a group of people willing to create this new community within that small group. Start by creating a team of people willing to hold the vision and build the new community in your faith community. Start by acting towards others with acceptance and openness. Listen to someone you don’t believe you agree with and see what you might have in common.

Don’t’ we just need to begin where we are? The thing that I have seen in my work and can guarantee you to be true is that you are surrounded by people who are yearning for the new community just like you are. We are all waiting for it. We are all waiting for someone else to open the door to the possibility. What if you are that person?

I think it is going to be easier than we think. –actually I know it is going to be easier. I have seen people’s reactions when the door to the possibility opens.

New community is what I am committed to help create. I am here to tell you that when we turn on the flow of living communication we will be able to create it. We can let go of our hold on conversations that are competitions. We can let go of assuming that when we speak we will be rejected. We can stop believing that what others think of us matters. Begin by letting go of your old definition of community. Be willing to open your hands so that you are open to the possibility of this new community.

Start with a new definition of community.

Reflective Exercise and Questions:

• Sit for a quiet moment after reading this piece. Pay attention to your calm breathing.
• What feelings came up for you as you read this? Write down each feeling.
• What are some assumptions you currently have about the community you belong to?
• What is your best experience of community? Do you believe that your best experience is as good as it gets?
• What are a few things that you would like to believe is possible in community that you have never experienced before? Write them down and post them as affirmations in a visible place.
• Think of one or two people- or even a group of people- who might be willing to talk with you about the possibility of creating new community. Invite them to come to a conversation.
• In what ways can you take actions immediately to “act” like you would in the new community?

[i] Block, Peter., (2008). Community, The Structure of Belonging. Berrett-Koehler. San Francisco CA.