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Originally published 7/8/2014

Don’t think that because I write about the value of non-hierarchical organizations that I am telling you to instantly toss out every hierarchical thing in your congregation!

First of all, I hope we stop thinking in either-or terms. Anytime we swing from one extreme to the other there is going to be trouble. Everything about hierarchical structure is not bad or wrong. We are currently using hierarchical thinking, patterns and beliefs that no longer work or support how we want to be together, and we can change those, but we don’t want to begin by tossing out the current org chart. One of the positive qualities of a hierarchical structure is that it identifies and organizes responsibility.

Making a quick change by throwing away all of your current organizational structure would push you beyond healthy chaos into destructive chaos. Some chaos is good but too much is just a mess. Change is the most stressful time in our congregation already. The changes in culture and structure that are necessary for self-organization are best implemented slowly.

The process that we will be using to get from a controlled, ‘top-down’ hierarchy to a ‘round’ participatory leadership model is to begin to turn on the flow of living communication. You can use the communication framework over your existing organizational structure. A Living Communication system will allow time for the co-creation of a new structure feasible.

The following are components that you can begin to use while keeping the structure you have currently.

• Context: We intentionally begin by creating and holding a new context for how we talk, think and act together. This is a shift in our culture and social norms about how we communicate and what we believe is possible. In creating a new context we can let go of the unhealthy aspects of hierarchical thinking, patterns and beliefs.
• Structure: We take the time to design a communication framework for our organization by increasing the amount and modes of communication. We create opportunities for whole-congregation conversations which are scheduled at minimum one time per quarter. We use many new communication tools and we learn how they work in different situations. Technology plays a role in connecting.
• Practice not perfection: We allow time to practice new skills and learn more by reading, talking, playing and testing. The increased communication and relationship building requires that we understand how to give and receive acceptance, compassion and grace.
• Working differently: While maintaining our hierarchical structure of councils, boards, and committees we also need to begin to ask which conversations need to be moved to the whole congregation? What conversations need to happen? How can we engage the entire congregation in a conversation that invites their divine wisdom?  What boundaries do we need around the conversation?
• Play and rest: Change will cause stress and everything will be made easier by using humor and fun. Creating opportunities for play, entertainment and relaxation will make all the difference.
• Relationship building:  A primary element of a round organizational structure is learning that we are all connected and inter-dependent. We come to be in-relationship. This does not mean that we will all be best friends, but that we accept others as they are and they accept us. This is a safe place for us to be authentic, vulnerable and holy-human.

Creating a centered congregation takes time. You want it to take time. Don’t just throw out the structure you are using now no matter how hierarchical it is! Taking time to build a framework of communication creates a network of support so that change feels less chaotic and we can be engaged by the possibility of deep community. A congregation that is centered on their faith and their inter-connection to each other is alive, transformative, and ready to do what they are called to do.

Originally published 6/20/2014

I don’t think that I am making an assumption to say that we have been operating primarily in hierarchical systems for many years. Our social norms and the assumptions we make about how we should interact with each other and act are based on the thinking, patterns and beliefs of that past system. If your personal or organizational goal is to not operate hierarchically then you will have to address these things to actually make the shift happen or stick.

Becoming conscious of how our current thinking, patterns and beliefs are “hierarchical” is the first step to begin the process of co-creating a new context that will help us work together in new ways. At the end of the piece I offer an exercise that will help you reflect on how these might be true for you, or not.

Our past; thinking, patterns, beliefs are holding us back from our future. They are what ‘gets in the way’ of operating in new ways.

Hierarchical thinking:

Expert Model: In the hierarchical model we thought that only a few people earned the right to be at the top. They were at the top because we thought they were the experts. They had the education, the personality, the experience, the gender, the color, to make us believe they were more worthy than us to be the leaders. Many of us abdicated our personal responsibility to them and then blamed them when things didn’t work.

Competition: To get to ’the top’ required being competitive and required that we be ‘over’ others. We anticipated that others would be competitive with us and thought that to succeed we needed to be competitive with them. This tension kept us hyper-aware and we would switch between defensive to offensive thinking and actions.

Mechanistic: In a hierarchy things are very linear. We thought that we could fix problems with mechanistic thinking. We saw the world as a machine and simply used a simplified cause-and-effect model to determine where the ‘problem’ was. With this model the expert at the top could, by themselves, find a way to fix the problem.

Hierarchical patterns:

Top Down: In a hierarchy all communication flows down from the top. A pattern of limited communication worked because communication was not vital to the organizations success. The expert at the top needed information but the rest of us followers did not.

Discussion not Dialogue: Most of our conversations were discussion not dialogue. Discussion is about making a decision and seeks closure and completion. Dialogue is about exploring the nature of choice and evoking insight.[i]  In a discussion we worked to score points and saw a conversation as a competition to ‘get our voice heard’, ‘prove the other wrong’ and find the ‘right answer’. We thought the purpose of a conversation was to convince others of our thinking and demonstrate our ability to be the expert.

Questions are Threats: In a hierarchical system asking a question is a threat. The pattern is to not ask questions. Asking a question of the leader or about a decision would clearly be challenging their authority. Asking a question of someone at an equal level would often be used as a way to combat an opinion, or fact.

Hierarchical beliefs:

Perfectionism: Because we had to appear to be the expert we could not allow failure or imperfection. Any imperfection would move us down the hierarchical ladder. Vulnerability and authenticity would be seen as weakness.

Individualism: In the hierarchical world being independent was a goal as we worked to become the expert. Our need to be perfect and competitive has led us to being isolated. A highly independent person was revered and more likely to be seen as a leader.

Power Over: We believed that having control over others was valuable and that belief led us to define power as being in control of others. The only individual who is thought to have power is one who is able to control the behaviors of others.

Reflective Exercise:

These reflective questions are a way to realize in what ways we have used the context of hierarchical thinking, patterns and beliefs. They will help you uncover old or existing context in yourself or in your organization.

Use these with a group or just yourself. Use all of the questions or only some, write others that fit your situation or group. Be your own expert, be flexible and use your wisdom.

The biggest question is if you decide that you don’t want to use hierarchical thinking, patterns and belief what context would you like to use? I hope you are willing to write some statements about the context that you want to work from! I know that it will help you to make the changes that you desire. You can get my free complete Context Implementation Exercise here.

Thinking reflective:

Expert:

• In organizations the expert might hold a job title or be assigned the role by the group. Think of an organization that you were involved with and one or two of people who were the experts. Have you ever had the experience of realizing that you were as qualified, intelligent, or capable as they were? Or when you wanted to contribute your knowledge or wisdom and were discounted or ignored because you were not seen as the expert.
• Can you think of an example when you abdicated responsibility to the group expert? Have you ever waited for someone at the top to solve a problem?
• Is there an example of when you discounted your own knowledge, insight, or intuition because someone else held the title of leader or boss?

 Competition:

• Think of an example of when you remained silent because you knew that someone would jump to tell you that you were wrong?
• Does society tell us that we have to be competitive to survive? How do we think that leaders have to use competition to get to the top? In what ways does this thinking make sense to you? What does it look like to question these assumptions?

Mechanistic:

• Our mechanistic history makes us believe that there are simple answers. Think of an example when something was ‘fixed’ but over time it became clear that there were unintended consequences and the problem was either worse, or different.
• Can you think of an example when a boss or leader fixed a problem but if they had asked your advice you could have given a better solution?
• It is mechanistic thinking to believe a certain person is ‘the problem’ and yet when that person is replaced the same issues seem to continue. Have you seen this happen?

Patterns reflective:

Top Down:

• Think of an organization that you have been involved with. How was information held only by those at the top? When decisions were being made who was involved in the conversation? How did it feel to be included or excluded in those conversations?
• Do you have an experience where conversations were held and all or most people were included? How did that feel and was the outcomes different?

Discussion not Dialogue:

• Sometimes it is appropriate to have a discussion when a decision must be made but many times we need a dialogue first so that we have access to everyone’s creative wisdom. Think of an example of a group conversation you participated in. In what ways was it a discussion, and in what ways a dialogue? What would have made it a dialogue to you?  What might have been different?

Questions as Threats:

• Do you have an example of when you asked what you thought was an ‘innocent’ question and someone got mad?
• Can you think of an argument you witnessed and realized that they were not arguing about the same thing? Where they were misunderstanding each other?
• In your family growing up was it ok to ask questions? Were you taught that outside of your home you should not ask questions? Do you have stories of how questions were handled at school?

 Beliefs reflective:

Perfectionism:

• Think about a time when your choices or actions were based on perfectionist beliefs. How did that feel? Did you feel that you had to hide anything? Did it require keeping secrets?
• Think of an example of when you allowed yourself to be vulnerable or authentic and how that created a different experience.

Individualism:

• In what ways does society tell us we have to ‘do it ourselves’.
• How have we been affirmed as good when we were ‘ruggedly independent’?
• Are there ways that we diminish or put down others when they seem inter-dependent?

Power Over:

• All of us have examples of when we have controlled others. Can you reflect on that experience and then feel again how it felt. It would be normal to have felt victorious but were there also any other feelings that might have gone unnoticed at the time, or feelings that come up now as you think about that experience?
• Can you find an example of when you shared power or used power with others? Remember the experience and feel again how it felt.
• How were these two experiences different? When you remember the experience how does it make you feel now.

The great news about context is that we socially construct it. We can be intentional and through conversational processes any group or organization can change the context! Be willing to believe that big changes are possible and do the work to get there.

“The context that restores community is one of possibility, generosity, and gifts, rather than one of problem solving, fear, and retribution. A new context acknowledges that we have all the capacity, expertise, and resources that an alternative future requires. Communities are human systems given form by conversations that build relatedness.” [ii] (Block, p. 29)

To use my complete Context Implementation Exercise go here.

[i] Isaacs, W. (1999). Dialogue and the Art of Thinking Together. Random House, New York, NY.

[ii] Block, P., (2008). Community, The Structure of Belonging. Berrett-Koehler. San Francisco CA.

First published 6/9/2014

Dear Michael Hidalgo,

I loved your post, When Did Christians Get So Mean. Your comments and observations are exactly why I am doing the work that I am called to do. I want to let you know that there is a way for us to stop being mean.

Being mean has become a ‘social norm’. As you note, it isn’t just Christians, who have come to believe this behavior is socially acceptable. We certainly have, “fallen asleep in the insulated comfort of accepted, collective thinking. We live among those who think like us, look like us, talk like us, and we assure ourselves we are right and others are wrong.”[i] I agree with you that as Christians we should know better and listen to the teachings that tell us to act differently. It is time for us to wake up and BE the people Jesus taught us to be!

What if it’s the system not the person?

I have a Systems Thinking education and I loved learning that we assign blame topeople for bad behavior when really the system we operate in that is faulty. In our current system we believe that we must be; over others, above others, or in competition with others, to have power. Our system has been hierarchical and in that type of system only those at the top have power and have the authority to “know truth”. We might choose mean behavior in an attempt to move ourselves up the hierarchical ladder.

Since we are not normally conscious that we are acting based on the system around us you might not be sure that you agree with my thinking. I don’t think it matters. Just allow that it might be true that the system is at fault and that is why people act mean. Then you can be open to the possibility that we can co-create a different system where being mean isn’t the norm. I am sure that it is possible because I have experienced it.

In my work I teach a congregation, group, or organization how to use an intentional process of communication to design together a new system. It is possible for one individual to make a choice to act differently and create change, but it is much more powerful for people to create new ways to talk, think and act together when they do it in community.

How do we socially construct this new system?

Believe something different is possible: Accept that how we talk, think and act together right now is not how we have to be. Allow it to be possible that people are not naturally mean.

Do it together: Host conversations in your congregation about how to interact in person and on-line as Christians. Play with it! I have a free resource on my website called Context Implementation Exercise which you can use as a guide to begin the conversation. The base system of beliefs, thinking and patterns is the “context” of our interactions. The exercise works to make us aware of how we have sleep-walked into accepting these without question. With this exercise your faith community can co-create a context that is a system of support for Christian behavior.

It can be simpler than you imagine. Just open the door to the conversation about how we talk to each other. You can say that it is a way to practice Christian conversation. Sometimes as Christians we believe we are not supposed to comment at all, but we are in a time of great need and being silent should not be an option. Being mean and competitive about who is right or wrong closes the door to open, learning conversations.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you write, “For those of us who are passionate about the God’s truth, it may do us well to ask: “Are we more concerned about the truth being known or about us being right?” I say this because if we are committed to what’s true, there is a good chance our attitude and approach will change. We will experience the move from being mean to being kind.” That might be the biggest shift we can make in our system; moving away from the thinking that our individuality is more important than all of God’s creation. We are taught that we are of “one body”[ii] and we can be open to seeing what is possible when we act in that way.

“Real courage is full of grace.”

It does take courage to be willing to question our actions and be in open conversation with others. But together we can have the courage to operate in new ways by creating a system that supports different behavior. “It is gentle and kind and constructive and honors others. Perhaps this kind of courage should be the very thing that emboldens us to speak, far more than a computer keyboard ever could.”

As Christians we can not only stop being mean, but we can be an example to the world. Let’s question the system that we operate with, choose to co-create a new one, and begin to talk to each other in ways “full of grace”. I long for it and believe that all of us do.

Thanks Michael for your great post and the opportunity to be in this conversation with you.

[i] Read the post by Michael Hidalgo athttp://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/when-did-christians-get-so-mean#QFDZVuXrXw50q0mE.99

“We, this people, on a small and lonely planet
Traveling through casual space
Past aloof stars, across the way of indifferent suns
To a destination where all signs tell us
It is possible and imperative that we learn
A brave and startling truth”

…

“When we come to it
We must confess that we are the possible
We are the miraculous, the true wonder of this world
That is when, and only when
We come to it. ”

In honor of the passing of Maya Angelo I have been reading some of her poetry. What an amazing and brilliant woman and poet. I hadn’t read this piece before; A Brave and Starling Truth which she wrote in 1995. I printed it and have been reading it over and over the last week. It is saying what I feel and have been working on, and she says it magically.

She weaves a picture of the paradox that is our humanity, “reaching daily for the bomb, the blade and the dagger” while, “singing songs of such exquisite sweetness That the heart falters in its labor and the body is quieted into awe”. We will see the truth, “When religious ritual is not perfumed By the incense of burning flesh”. We who were, “Created on this earth, of this earth Have the power to fashion for this earth A climate where every man and every woman Can live freely without sanctimonious piety Without crippling fear”.

This is the message that I hold at the center of my work. Seeing it so beautifully illustrated in this poem has touched me. I know the brave and starling truth! WE are the ONES we have been waiting for. No longer are we supposed to wait for someone else, or for something else to happen.

How do “we come to” this knowing and find the courage to step out and BE the possible and BE the miraculous and claim our power to fashion a new world?

I am convinced that we will be able to come to this brave truth in community.
When we recognize that we are inter-dependent
When we claim the power
When we see each other as a “true wonder”

The full poem.

 A Brave and Startling Truth.

We, this people, on a small and lonely planet
Traveling through casual space
Past aloof stars, across the way of indifferent suns
To a destination where all signs tell us
It is possible and imperative that we learn
A brave and startling truth

And when we come to it
To the day of peacemaking
When we release our fingers
From fists of hostility
And allow the pure air to cool our palms

When we come to it
When the curtain falls on the minstrel show of hate
And faces sooted with scorn are scrubbed clean
When battlefields and coliseum
No longer rake our unique and particular sons and daughters
Up with the bruised and bloody grass
To lie in identical plots in foreign soil

When the rapacious storming of the churches
The screaming racket in the temples have ceased
When the pennants are waving gaily
When the banners of the world tremble
Stoutly in the good, clean breeze

When we come to it
When we let the rifles fall from our shoulders
And children dress their dolls in flags of truce
When land mines of death have been removed
And the aged can walk into evenings of peace
When religious ritual is not perfumed
By the incense of burning flesh
And childhood dreams are not kicked awake
By nightmares of abuse

When we come to it
Then we will confess that not the Pyramids
With their stones set in mysterious perfection
Nor the Gardens of Babylon
Hanging as eternal beauty
In our collective memory
Not the Grand Canyon
Kindled into delicious color
By Western sunsets

Nor the Danube, flowing its blue soul into Europe
Not the sacred peak of Mount Fuji
Stretching to the Rising Sun
Neither Father Amazon nor Mother Mississippi who, without favor,
Nurture all creatures in the depths and on the shores
These are not the only wonders of the world

When we come to it
We, this people, on this minuscule and kithless globe
Who reach daily for the bomb, the blade and the dagger
Yet who petition in the dark for tokens of peace
We, this people on this mote of matter
In whose mouths abide cankerous words
Which challenge our very existence
Yet out of those same mouths
Come songs of such exquisite sweetness
That the heart falters in its labor
And the body is quieted into awe

We, this people, on this small and drifting planet
Whose hands can strike with such abandon
That in a twinkling, life is sapped from the living
Yet those same hands can touch with such healing, irresistible tenderness
That the haughty neck is happy to bow
And the proud back is glad to bend
Out of such chaos, of such contradiction
We learn that we are neither devils nor divines

When we come to it
We, this people, on this wayward, floating body
Created on this earth, of this earth
Have the power to fashion for this earth
A climate where every man and every woman
Can live freely without sanctimonious piety
Without crippling fear

When we come to it
We must confess that we are the possible
We are the miraculous, the true wonder of this world
That is when, and only when
We come to it.

The structure of a vibrant, healthy community is a SPHERE! This is the structure of our future. Not flat, not a hierarchical/triangle, not a circle, but a three-dimensional ball.The sphere pictured here really is the perfect representation of an organizational structure that will move us into a new and vibrant way of living and creating together.

Why is a vibrant community a sphere?

Communication is our primary tool to create vibrant communities that will survive and thrive in the world we exist in today. It is the answer to our questions about how to organize. We cannot achieve the coordination we need with either top-down or bottom-up communication; instead it needs to go round and round. To be adaptive and agile we need short and direct ‘feedback loops’. Each of us needs as much of the same information as possible so that we can engage as leaders. As we operate this way we are energized and instead of using all of our energy to push against each other or pull information back and forth, our energy and passion is allowed to flow together in a way that gives us the ability to co-create more than was possible before. We can take on bigger challenges because we are supported by this solid framework of connection and information.

Notice how this ball is a network of connections? One spot is not connected to only one other but to many; there are exponentially more connections. Conversation and connection goes round and round and engages each person ‘at the same level’. This symbolizes authentic community; each person is in relationship with others. A vibrant community is one that recognizes their inter-dependence.

If we are committed to social justice then this sphere structure is the most just. Each of us is at the same level on the ball; connected with equal voice, accountability and contribution.  We are standing side by side. We look to those standing on each side of us and we invite them to fully participate. A community utilizing a spherical Living Communication System recognizes that all people have wisdom to contribute. Each has equal access to information and is engaged in the conversation to be co-creative. Communities have regular conversations where ideas are generated and dialogue takes place. Using well designed communication models we invite others into the room, include them in the conversation and prevent marginalization.

The space in the middle holds the purpose and possibility for the whole community. The center is our belief that something greater than ourselves is of primary importance. What can we do together as a community of people that we cannot do alone? Can we make choices and take actions not based on our individual needs but what is best for the whole? The magic is that when we do this, we don’t lose our individuality, but we find it and can express it.

A sphere community does look different from one we are used to. It requires more time and energy to participate in multiple modes of conversation and communication. But the tools and training are there for us. The knowledge and skills can be learned. Can you hear the call that something different is needed? That our current structures and ways of being are not working? Are you willing to see how far we can get when we work together in new ways? It’s easy, the hard part is that we will have to do things differently; by socially construction this sphere organizational structure.

First published, 5/6/2014

Have you ever you ever said that one of the biggest problems you have in your organization is communication? Do you have people complaining that they didn’t get told about something, they didn’t get asked what they thought before a decision was made; you can’t get information when you need it, and you struggle with the multitude of tools we have to use today to even attempt to communicate?

It might seem impossible and overwhelming, and it will certainly be a challenge, but the best news is that investing time and intention to this single ‘problem’ will not only solve the problem but it is the thing that will give you a vibrant, engaged, and active organization! Communication is the key to create the vital flow of information, conversation and connection that we need to be co-creative and adaptive.

Communication is key because we are in the midst of a substantial shift. Some people use the term paradigm shift, we could also call it a cultural shift, but clearly a number of things have changed. Our local communities and nations are more culturally diverse and religiously pluralistic. Environmental issues are threatening. We have gotten used to being connected by the internet and that there is a place for our voice to be heard. We see ourselves as more connected to the global community. I believe that we are waking up to the fact that to solve the issues before us that we have to become involved and participate together.

Communication is no longer working and is the problem because we are continuing to use the old communication patterns, thinking and beliefs. We are operating in this new culture and getting the old results. I am excited about the great opportunity before us, because it is possible to create communication systems that are designed for who we are now.

Here are some examples of how old communication patterns worked. In the past faith communities were primarily hierarchical or top-down organizations. Only those at the top needed all of the information and only leadership had to have conversations. One annual full congregational meeting each year was enough. One report telling congregants what happened was enough. We could push information down to be consumed by our congregations. It worked because it fit who we were at the time.

What’s new? In our new participatory culture we need the contributions of all, including those from different cultures and belief systems. We can have community conversations from the ‘bottom up’ to engage each person in our congregation. Instead of believing community means people who are alike and think alike, we can expand our definition to be inclusive and accept diversity of thinking. We can experience our interconnection and learn how to be interdependent while inviting each of us to express our full, unique selves.

How do we do this? What does it look like to operate with a different communication structure? I hope you keep reading my blog as I share more ideas about that. But you can get started just by taking a look at how your organization uses communication right now. You are already doing many things right. In the new participatory culture you will need to increase the amount of communication and the number of methods you use. The single biggest impact we can have on our communities of faith is to rethink and redesign everything we consider communication, so very simple and so complex.

Communication is the problem, and it’s the solution.

First published, 4/16/2014

For the body does not consist of one member but of many. If the whole body were an eye, where would be the hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? As it is, there are many parts, yet one body. The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. (RSV Bible- 1 Corinthians 12:1-26)

I am incredibly excited by what is possible in my community of faith right now. For Lent my pastor has been delivering a series of sermons on how we are all connected and that it takes all of us in community to act as the body of Christ. I have been yearning for that experience of deep and meaningful community. I could call it authentic ‘Christian Community’ because what I see in the bible are stories about how are called to treat each other, and work together- as one body.

The passage from 1 Corinthians that my pastor used really says it for me. We are supposed to be unique and different and yet, re-member that we are part of a whole and don’t exist alone. It seems that in the society around us we believe in ‘individualism’, where we honor doing what is right for ourselves and not what is best for the whole body. To me it seems that people are isolated, feel powerless and valueless. Personally I can’t take it anymore, now I want to feel connection with others.

What better place is there to experience deep and authentic connection than in a faith community? Many are talking about the evolution of “religion” or that “religion” is a thing of the past. But if authentic community is what is going to re-connect us and help us meet the challenges of our time, then helping our faith communities to know how to meet our current needs is vital. My work is to help faith communities take a fresh look at their patterns, thinking and beliefs so that it can let go of those that don’t work and construct a new one, one that creates connection and co-creation.

Are you ready too, and yearning for an experience of authentic community? I am happy to be involved in a faith community that is being led by a pastor who is calling us to think about how we are each a unique and indispensable part of one body.

Tell me what you think. Are you yearning for this experience too?

First published, 2/17/2014

One thing you learn when you study systems thinking, is that often our solutions cause MORE of the problem we are trying to solve; this is otherwise known as ‘unintended consequences’!

Currently we are operating with the belief that making rules will help us live together in peace and harmony. Yet most of us have experienced how WRONG this thinking is.

When we make rules we create the situation where there is ‘wrong and right’. Rules create an ‘us-vs.-them’ mentality and tend to bring out the worst in people and not the best. What we yearn for is to experience; trust, compassion and forgiveness in community. Rules begin from a lack of trust and demand judgment.

For example, many of us have lived in a community with an HOA (Home Owner Association) with a set of ‘rules’ that were intended to help create a community of peace and harmony. Recently I was talking about my work with a possible new community development group and one of the builders was telling me about his past HOA experience. He wrote, “I used to get “love letters” from my HOA all the time such as; “We noticed your pine island is bigger. Please submit a pine island improvement plan.” and “Please submit a garbage receptacle storage plan”.”

Our current thinking is that people need to be controlled or they will act out. What if we realized that people act out because they are being controlled? Our current rule-based system (I have also called this the Expert Model) actually brings out the worst in people and not the best. We erroneously believe that people are: rude, unfair, mean, controlling, and judgmental. If we designed a different system without rules and had conversations about the context of our community we might find out the TRUTH! That people want to give and receive compassion, forgiveness and acceptance.

In my work I talk about how we can learn to ‘hold things loosely’. This is an example of what I mean. The truth is that we can create a context where communities operate with a positive set of assumptions of our choosing instead of a list of rules. We can ‘hold things loosely’ and at the center of all we do we can decide to value: compassion, listening, relationship, trust and individuality. We can institute communication methods so that our community can be flexible, and adaptive. When we stop making the rules that we think will create authentic community – we might actually be free to have authentic community!

Just another systems thinking paradox to ponder!

First published, 6/5/2013

I had a ‘difficult’ experience professionally recently. My Design Team facilitated a group event and we got back some harsh feedback. It doesn’t matter what is and isn’t true about that. What I want to talk about is how I reacted and what I saw about myself. My reaction even before any feedback is that I was, Done! I didn’t want to give any feedback to them. I didn’t want to complete the job by processing with my team. I didn’t want to do anything. This is a pattern I can see being repeated in my past. I love the start-up time when all the planning is going on but when I really drop the ball is at the end. I have a history of walking-away.

There is really so much to this.

Yearning to walk-away is very ego driven; I will be: embarrassed, ashamed, and uncomfortable. I will have to dig in and work through things with people, and in my past that just hasn’t worked out very well. I will have to do work that isn’t as fun to me as organizing and planning the start-up phase.

It helped me realize that much of the work we have been doing in our Design Team has been to stay engaged and not walk-away. I have definitely wanted to walk-away many times in the dynamic tension of Design Teambuilding. But I am convinced that to change my world and create lasting change—that it is going to come from groups-not individuals. I have come to believe in the paradox that it is in our interdependence that we become independent. In the many months with my Design Team I have stayed when walking sounded so much better.I think it will be another blog post that I talk about the ‘magic in the middle’ that has happened to each of us individually on that Design Team. But I know that staying in, has created more magic in me than I can explain. I have witnessed more magic in my team-mates than I can share. My belief about what is possible has blossomed.

I thought about all of that as I yearned to walk-away. I talked to my team mates and admitted how much I wanted to walk, how much I saw it was a pattern. They helped me to see that I would be missing the magic in the middle. Not only would I be missing it for myself, but if I walked, then the possible magic for my team and the group we worked with might not happen. What I realized is that it is this moment, when we have to draw things back together; after chaos, or difficulty, or brutal honesty; this moment, is when the magic happens! This moment of staying is when we show acceptance, when trust is built, when we reach coherence, when I surrender.

When we have enough grace and compassion for ourselves and others, to keep talking, to keep in relationship, and to not walk, is when the magic in the middle happens. It’s when we are vulnerable enough to stay.

I am way behind on writing my blog. I have been wondering why and found the reason yesterday. On Facebook a ‘friend of a friend’ announced she is co-authoring a book about perfectionism. I was remarking that I have given up my long-term addiction to being perfect. I spent many years trying to be perfect, and hiding so that others would not see my imperfections. I was kind of thinking that I had the ‘issue’ all taken care of. But the conversation with my friend and then with myself, helped me to realize that the lack of blog entries really is all about still hiding.

One of the things I wrote on her post was the paradox that; “It is when I attempt to fail that I obtain perfection.” I had to listen to myself there! Time to embrace the perfection of being imperfect!

One of the main points I make when talking about Communication Systems, is that we need to move away from the expert model. I found a great example last week on NPR. They ran into a story about Sheryl Sandberg, the Chief Operating Officer at Facebook. She talks about how she has a few favorite posters their offices; “Move Fast and Break Things”, “Done is Better than Perfect”, and “Fail Harder”. This move toward letting go of perfectionism is happening in successful businesses.

The belief that we could be perfect has very much affected our ability to communicate and be in dialogue with each other.  We don’t speak up because someone will tell us how we are wrong. We don’t like conversations which involve really discussing differing ideas because they are chaotic and “messy”. Certainly perfectionism isn’t the only thing to blame for our limited conversations, but it does play a part.

What if we just started talking? What if we were willing to “look stupid”, in order to learn more about each other and have a meaningful conversation? What if all we needed to do was to have as many conversations as possible without being worried about doing them “right”, or being “right”? I know that as I have let go of being perfect I have become much more honest, more real, more vulnerable, more humble and more connected to people around me. I am willing to talk about things I didn’t before, I am willing to actually ask for help and let others support me. I am happier, more compassionate, and more willing to allow others to not be perfect either! All in all, being perfect is a waste of time, and being human is the freedom to be me.

Any conversation is a good conversation, the messier, the better! “Move fast and break things!”